Tension

What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. What he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him.~Victor FranklI have been walking around saying I need to get into the garden where there is peace (a tensionless state). Other times I say I need a vacation. Sometimes life just plain out sucks and I want a break from reality. For the most part I am very happy in my life and would not change things but sometimes the curveballs just floor you.

The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye. ~Winston Churchill

My mother was admitted to the hospital last Tuesday with congestive heart failure. In August 2006 my mom, husband and I went to visit my sister in Puerto Rico. My mother was keeping a secret. When we returned she went to the doctor to have some tests run. They found she had an ovarian mass which she had removed in September. Upon biopsy they found this to be cancerous, but secondary to the kidney. Meaning she had renal cell carcenoma which had metastasized. After the removal of her left kidney, imaging showed that it was also in her lung, liver and spinal column. She was started on Sutent, an oral chemo which she handled fairly well as chemo's go. She didn't do too good on the drip. She has been in the hospital twice with complications but she this time has been by far the worst. To treat the heart problem they risk the one remaining kidney which isn't working up to par and to treat the kidney they risk the heart.

During this time my sister has gathered some fly miles and we have become quite familiar with Newark Airport! She has always been very supportive when I call about Mom. Sometimes she has been my pressure relief valve...I have called and dumped because I had hit my limit and she has made phone calls from PR and magically eased the pressure.

This time my sister decided enough was enough. She resigned from her 20 year job and as of Sunday has officially moved back home. She too wants that tensionless state. Here I was thinking it was easier on her living in PR when it was probably worse. This became abundantly clear to me when I returned to the hospital following a really bad day for my mother and walking down the hall to her room was so agonizing because of not knowing what I would find-hoping things would be better but semi preparing myself for worse. I can't even imagine sitting 100's of miles away and waiting on phone calls for 2 1/2 years.

Thankfully Mom seems to be doing better. Today we meet with the kidney doctor to find out the results of the ultrasound. Soon we will know if/when she will need dialysis, if she will come home with oxygen and when she will be able to come home.

Although not a tensionless state, Sis will hopefully feel less tension being here front and center and I know I will feel less tension just knowing someone else is here to talk to and help make decisions concerning mom's care.